Genius to Cruel Idiot

Today and yesterday I was boasting about how I’ve mastered getting A to sleep through the night. She’s slept through the night for several nights in a row and I thought I’d got a handle on the right technique.

I think I jinxed myself. Three hours into the bedtime routine and she’s finally sleeping. I stuck to ‘the rules’ and didn’t pick her up. Yet with every new cry I started feeling more and more cruel. Maybe she was sick or genuinely needed to just be picked up. I felt less sure of myself by the minute and increasingly cruel.

I’ll never know if I made the right decision and I know there are some parents that would say I did the wrong thing. With every rewarding moment of parenting I’ve enjoyed, there is another that crushes me. I suppose that will never end. It would just be nice to have someone by my side to support my decisions. This is one of the toughest areas I’m experiencing as a single mom. After each session of going in to check on A, I want someone to come check on me. Instead, I’ll settle for cuddles from my daughter tomorrow (hopefully once she’s forgotten that I let her cry tonight).

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Tasty Tuesday

Lemon Cranberry Scones
I was in the baking mood today, plus I need to bring something to a play date tomorrow.
Originally, I had thought I would try one new recipe a week while I was on mat leave. Like most of my millions of goals, I got sidetracked and forgot about this one. But since I have a new cookbook, this seems like a good one to get back into to.

This recipe is from Feeding the Whole Family by Cynthia Lair

Great Green Day

Feeling exceptionally green after a super day on Saturday.

I visited the Winter Farmer’s Market for my first time and fell in love with the vibe and energy. The sun was out and shining, which can make you feel fabulous on even the worst of days. The market was packed with people toting reusable grocery and veggie bags. The bike parking lot was busy; sadly living an hour away, I had to drive to the market. The market was also packed with food trucks and their amazing smells due to Food Truck Fest.

Seeing all the fresh and local food made me want to go on a buying frenzy! Not wanting to contribute to food waste, I held myself back. Next visit I’m going with recipes in mind so I know exactly what to buy. I was excited to take home some spinach from Rosedale, organic ground turkey from Yarrow, and some new reusable produce sacs to use when shopping in the future!

While shopping I got to visit and catch up with some great friends who inspire me tremendously to be more green and socially conscious. (check out my friend Andrew’s website) Linnet shared some recent tips with me and Andrew conveyed to me that my thyme plant is most likely not coming back from the dead. They also introduced me to what appears to be the holy land for green friendly people, the Soap Dispensary. I needed some essential oil to add to my green laundry soap that  I found, while cleaning my clothes, was leaving it with a funny smell. A few drops of the lemon oil is amazing. I also had to hold myself back at this store. I am excited to get to the end of a few of my current non-green soap/cleaning products so I can start making my own with the help of this store!

The day finished sharing stories over tea and warming up from the chilly wind. I went home feeling energized and freshly inspired. My sweet pumpkin A slept the entire farmer’s market, and sadly I didn’t take any photos. But you can just imagine how huge my smile was all day!

TV Cheater

I’ve avoided posting lately. I vowed to give up TV and I’ve totally cheated! I’ve felt too guilty to write. I’ve been wrestling with whether or not I should feel guilty though. I know I vowed to give it up for lent, but I’m not Christian so really I was choosing to give it up for myself. And I do feel good about giving up the mindless time spent sitting watching something that I don’t really care about. However, there are a couple shows out there that I truly enjoy. I watch them through on demand, so I avoid all the commercials and I just enjoy the story. So is that bad?

I spent some time with my aunt, uncle, and cousins last week. They have no cable and the kids spend time doing art or crafts inside or games outside. They often play family games and finish every day reading a family story. Such better quality time! They aren’t losing out or missing anything by having no cable.

Either way, I’ve decided to revise my declaration of no TV. Instead of ditching it all together, I’m going to limit myself to one show per day. If I’m truly enjoying watching that show, then what’s the harm. However, I want to ensure that I’m watching it only when baby A is asleep. That way I’m only affecting my time.

So I may be a cheater, but I’m enjoying it.

Day 1 of No TV

Wow do I feel pathetic for realizing how hard it is to eliminate TV from my day. It has become part of my routine. I woke up this morning and automatically turned it on once I got downstairs. Once I got off auto-pilot and turned it off, I couldn’t figure out what to do! We had a couple hours before a play group and normally I would kill time watching TV.

How awful is that!? Kill time? How many times a day do I wish I had more time, yet I’m wasting it in front of the TV.

What’s worse, is that once we got home in the afternoon I turned it on again. I had a headache and was tired and wanted the ease and comfort of watching TV! Surely I can find more relaxing and rewarding things to do than sit in front of a box.

Once I got daughter A to sleep, I was so excited to have the evening to myself. But what to do when I can’t watch TV. Which is ridiculous because last night I couldn’t fall asleep due to the thoughts of all the things I had to do running through my head.

So silly. What an eye-opener.

On a side note, tonight was day one of sleep training. It took 45 minutes but she’s asleep in her own bed! Hooray.

Life’s Plan vs. Mine

Sometimes I feel like the day to day stuff gets in the way of me becoming who I really want to be. Or am I just living life so mindlessly that I’m not making conscious decisions?

Lately, I feel like having a baby has enabled me to have the time to really think about who I am and who I aspire to be. There are a lot of areas I want to grow and improve in. I can usually spout off my aspirations quite easily. But somehow I wake up and go on autopilot. A week later I realize that I wasn’t working towards any of my goals and sometimes was working completely against them.

I want to eat clean and healthy and then, before I’ve even tasted them, I’ve eaten half a bowl of jelly beans. I want to exercise yet I’ve just watched the sun peak and set as I sit on the couch.

Do people who are living their goals make every movement consciously? Or does it come naturally? Do I need to give my head a shake?

I feel like I can’t simply say I want to do or be something. I need to map it out in excessive detail and review that detail daily in order to follow through. Which is tough to do when you’re sleep deprived and tired. But I don’t want to live my life through excuses.

So back to daily to do lists and goals.

Today a girlfriend of mine reminded me about lent. I’m not really religious but it seems like a great opportunity to give something up to focus on a better cause. I’m deciding between giving up meat or TV. Giving up meat is something I want to do anyways, so TV seems like the better choice as it would be tough but rewarding (I should have caught up on my shows tonight!!!).