Genius to Cruel Idiot

Today and yesterday I was boasting about how I’ve mastered getting A to sleep through the night. She’s slept through the night for several nights in a row and I thought I’d got a handle on the right technique.

I think I jinxed myself. Three hours into the bedtime routine and she’s finally sleeping. I stuck to ‘the rules’ and didn’t pick her up. Yet with every new cry I started feeling more and more cruel. Maybe she was sick or genuinely needed to just be picked up. I felt less sure of myself by the minute and increasingly cruel.

I’ll never know if I made the right decision and I know there are some parents that would say I did the wrong thing. With every rewarding moment of parenting I’ve enjoyed, there is another that crushes me. I suppose that will never end. It would just be nice to have someone by my side to support my decisions. This is one of the toughest areas I’m experiencing as a single mom. After each session of going in to check on A, I want someone to come check on me. Instead, I’ll settle for cuddles from my daughter tomorrow (hopefully once she’s forgotten that I let her cry tonight).

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