Last week, I got a glimpse into what it will be like when I go back to work. I taught a course Monday through Friday and then participated in a course on Saturday. Six whole days of being away from A. It was hard. My best friend was amazing and babysat her all week. Yet instead of feeling grateful, I felt jealous!! I was envious of the time she got to spend with A while I was at work. So ridiculous.
I also found myself bending on rules that I’d previously set. I started bringing A into bed with me at night. I pushed back her bedtime. I didn’t want to let her go.
But I’ll tell you what I did let go, everything else. My house was a disaster. I didn’t make it to the gym once. I started buying my lunches once the weekend leftovers ran out. I didn’t blog. I simply worked, spent what little time I could with A, and went to bed.
I tell you, it makes me super nervous for when I go back full time in three short months. I am definitely going to have to plan more. I’ll need my cleaning schedule, gym commitments, meal planning, and more. I’m worried my life will feel like a job.
I found myself on the Sunday just relaxing and watching TV while cuddling with A. I deserved the rest, right? But then the guilt comes in. Would doing the things I was avoiding really be so bad if I enjoyed doing them. I need to learn to find the enjoyment in the daily things in life instead of taking a break from them on the couch and watching my life pass me by.
After hearing of the death of a work friend today, nothing I had intended on writing seems worthy.
I may find things to complain about easily or life struggles and even the joy in life. But tonight I feel somewhat lost and empty of word. All I want to do is hug my family and let them know I love them.
I can’t even imagine the pain the family must be feeling. I’m lucky to have experienced very little death in my family.
Hug your family. Hug your friends. And count your blessings rather than what you lack.
After a weekend of staying at a friends with all sorts of unhealthy foods, I came home tonight and cooked a nice meal from ‘Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair.
It tasted awesome and there was plenty for my lunch tomorrow!
I need to remember how good it feels to eat good for you food. Most of the food I ate this weekend was my trigger food. I’d have one bite and instantly need 20 to satisfy some inner hunger. It wasn’t until I ate as much of it as I could that I found I could think clearly again.
Time to just stay away from those trigger foods for a while.
Good thing I have leftovers: Quinoa Chili.
I’ve been down on myself for being so out of shape and failing to lose the rest of my baby weight. As I’ve mentioned, the more I think badly about myself the harder it is to work out (weird, I know).
But this morning, I brought a friend to the gym to keep me motivated. She’s a new and single mom too. I planned out a circuit for us and a few minutes into it she said, “who needs a trainer, I’ll just work out with you. I could almost puke!”. It made me realize that while I’m not at my pre-baby fitness level, I’m working out and a lot fitter than some people.
I came out of the gym on a total high. I’m sure some of it was the endorphins from exercising. But I also felt totally proud of myself. I’m bringing sexy back!
For me a sentence that starts with ‘I deserve…’, gets me in trouble.
Today I wasted the day with the thought that I deserved to relax after a busy weekend. You would think doing something that you think you deserve would make you feel good. So why did I progressively feel worse about myself? I finally made a last minute push and sent myself to the gym at 6pm. I came home feeling great! I thought I deserved to relax, but rather than watching dumb tv (which made me feel even worse because I had originally vowed to watch little to no tv) I could have gone for a walk or a workout or even read a book. Instead my relaxation choice made me feel bad and in the end added to my level of stress.
I often find that I feel I deserve to be thin. So out of spite I will eat poorly or not workout. How ridiculous of a thought is that?! Does someone who chooses not to workout or eats like crap deserve to be thin? Um, no! But then my inner voice kicks in and says that there are people out there who do that and they are thin, so I should be able to also!
In the end, I think I deserve to be proud of myself. To do that, I need to do the things that will make me proud. I just have to work at remembering which things I’ll be proud of.
So Friday turned into a crazy day that didn’t allow for any exercise (or at least that’s what I convinced myself). To top it off, I stayed at a friends that thought leaving me treats would be nice. The small cheat escalated into a complete sabatoge.
As soon as I put one chocolate into my mouth I started searching for the next item. I stopped after a couple treats and assured myself that its fine to have a treat day and miss a day of exercise. Everything in moderation right?
However, while in a course the next day I was tempted with an entire table full of pastries, cookies, and muffin. A one point in my life, food and control over it consumed me. So like an alcoholic in a bar, I sat there listening to the speaker while my mind wandered to the food and when I might be able to sample some and what it must taste like. I look around and no one else seems to be acknowledging the food. Does no one else have to force themselves to stay seated every minute rather than going to pick out a treat?
When I finally cave, the guilt starts to pile on. In most cases you would think this would ensure you didn’t eat another bite. Unfortunately for me it merely makes me want to eat more. To eat them all.
The drug-like release as I eat a bite is euphoric, but the pain of guilt and negativity afterwards knocks you over. So you continue to eat.
The temptation continued today during the second day of the course. And since I’d already failed at my goal of exercising everyday and eaten more than I should have, there was no reason not to cheat further. The pile up of failures and disappointment left me in a low mood.
I want to live without thinking I can’t have certain foods but clearly I can’t have just one. Time for an intervention! Tomorrow is Monday and I was planning on implementing a new goal. But mostly I want to focus on accomplishing the last one I set (exercise every day for a week). I will also add that I will drink 8 glasses of water per day.
Not exactly the most inspiring or uplifting post. But everyone has their bad days, I just need to remember to not let them spiral out of control.
Tonight I had the glorious pleasure of going out while my brother stayed home with A. She was sleeping and made for an easy babysitting job.
I haven’t had a night out for over 3 months. Now I didn’t go crazy or anything. I simply went to the gym. (Have to keep up with my daily challenge!) But I almost skipped there. I worked out with a grin on my face. It felt so good to be out and not responsible for A.
I need to find myself a sitter. I had forgotten how it feels to have time to myself. I’ve had A in daycare while I work, but that’s not quite having time to myself. It’s crazy how something so simple can feel so good. I came home and thanked my brother knowing that he didn’t understand what a gift he’d just given to me.
All this time I thought I’d been spending time on myself by soul searching and self evaluating. But spending time by myself is just as important.
I’m on cloud nine. And I know tomorrow I’ll be recharged as a mom and ready to tackle another day.