I am Spartan

Why is it that it takes the deadline of going back to work soon to force me into action?! Two months before I return to work, I realize I need to finally lose the baby weight.

I’ve spent this last month kicking my butt into action. It was pretty humbling to start. I’ve always known I was overweight. But in the back of my mind, I would justify it with the fact that I am active and fit. So when I went for my first run with a girlfriend, I was very dismayed to discover that I couldn’t run for more than a few minutes at a time and when I was running I was very slow. It was the biggest wake up call. But thank goodness I had it.

During the month of May, I ran twice a week; I worked with a personal trainer twice a week; and I went to bootcamp twice a week. A lot of it was preparation for a race, but the underlying goal was to finally shed the weight and get fit.

Well I haven’t lost a damn pound! Its been super discouraging. There were a few days where I just wanted to cry. Mostly I thought, ‘it’s not fair’. I want to be one of those naturally skinny girls!

However, participating in the Spartan Sprint on the weekend (a 5km obstacle race) gave me some pride that losing a pound could never provide. The race was way beyond my comfort zone. I desperately wanted to back out. It was beyond hard. But wow do I feel amazing for finishing it. In fact, my inspiration to continue working towards fitness and health has grown. Today I started meal planning and looking at what else I can do to improve. I feel so good about the future now.

It’s funny, when I started this post, I thought it would be more about procrastination. But when I started writing, I realized how good I was feeling about myself! Forget the scale. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I’m going to focus on gaining health!

Ps. The picture is the start of the race, running uphill in the snow. Sadly I didn’t get one of myself covered in mud at the end because I was too focused on getting out of the wet clothes!

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All it takes is a little perspective

I’ve been down on myself for being so out of shape and failing to lose the rest of my baby weight. As I’ve mentioned, the more I think badly about myself the harder it is to work out (weird, I know).

But this morning, I brought a friend to the gym to keep me motivated. She’s a new and single mom too. I planned out a circuit for us and a few minutes into it she said, “who needs a trainer, I’ll just work out with you. I could almost puke!”. It made me realize that while I’m not at my pre-baby fitness level, I’m working out and a lot fitter than some people.

I came out of the gym on a total high. I’m sure some of it was the endorphins from exercising. But I also felt totally proud of myself. I’m bringing sexy back!

I deserve so much more

For me a sentence that starts with ‘I deserve…’, gets me in trouble.

Today I wasted the day with the thought that I deserved to relax after a busy weekend. You would think doing something that you think you deserve would make you feel good. So why did I progressively feel worse about myself? I finally made a last minute push and sent myself to the gym at 6pm. I came home feeling great! I thought I deserved to relax, but rather than watching dumb tv (which made me feel even worse because I had originally vowed to watch little to no tv) I could have gone for a walk or a workout or even read a book. Instead my relaxation choice made me feel bad and in the end added to my level of stress.

I often find that I feel I deserve to be thin. So out of spite I will eat poorly or not workout. How ridiculous of a thought is that?! Does someone who chooses not to workout or eats like crap deserve to be thin? Um, no! But then my inner voice kicks in and says that there are people out there who do that and they are thin, so I should be able to also!

In the end, I think I deserve to be proud of myself. To do that, I need to do the things that will make me proud. I just have to work at remembering which things I’ll be proud of.

Challenge of the Week

To keep myself inspired and on task, I’m starting weekly challenges for myself. My previous challenge of doing daily compliments fell a little short. I didn’t make it to the 30 days I proposed for a few reasons: I got sick and couldn’t think of anything nevermind a compliment, but I also found the process start to get a little fake. I am not totally comfortable with my body yet, so I couldn’t find the compliments about it. I think instead of forcing compliments I am going to do the work so that I can comfortably compliment myself.

So this week’s challenge is to workout everyday. Today I walked at the zoo. Not an overly hard workout but I was out and moving while carrying A in her carrier.

I’m looking forward to the week ahead!

Next Compliment

Searching for something to say and still that voice breaks in with a reason why I can’t compliment myself. So rather than trying to convince myself that I really do like something about myself that my inside voice votes against. I’ll share the part that I do like (and I’ll even keep the part that I don’t like to myself – don’t want to give that negative voice any more power).

I like how soft and smooth my hair is.

Hard for all?

Does everyone find it this hard to compliment themselves? I want to stick with my goal of complimenting myself everyday, but I’m finding it even harder than I thought it would be. I’m trying to find compliments that I honestly believe.

Still trying.

Even when I come up with one my negative voices comes through stronger with a vote against it. I know they say some people have distorted body images. An anorexic woman can look in the mirror and think she looks fat. Well, I’m not anorexic but I am tough on myself. So can I not find something because there isn’t a lot to compliment or because of a distorted image of myself?

So today’s compliment is a bit of a stretch but I am fond of them and they are a part of my body: my beautiful tattoos.

Loving Me!

I tell my daughter how smart and cute and wonderful she is all the time. I wonder sometimes if she’ll continue to think this as she grows older.

As someone who has always struggled with self-esteem and body image, I hope that she never faces some of those same issues. How can I help to ensure she is confident and knows both her beauty and potential?

Often in leadership training they said to lead by example. I’ve been racking my brain to try and find a way to exude better confidence and find a way to ignite my love for myself and my body(even in its post-baby form).

Last night, I decided to start by thinking up one positive thing about myself every day for 30 days. I’m going to write it down and put each positive compliment in a jar. I am sure most people might find this quite easy. But before I went to sleep, I tried to find my first compliment. I tried so hard, I fell asleep.

Loving and feeling comfortable about my body has always been tough. Add the baby weight and a few stretch marks and it feels impossible. I used to feel like my breasts were my only asset – now they’re for milk production (which doesn’t sound very sexy).

They say things get easier with practice. So I’m starting small and hoping the compliments will eventually flow from my mouth.

Today’s compliment: I have cute small toes.