So tonight I got all ready to go the gym: made a bottle, got dressed, fed and changed A, got us all loaded up in the car and drove there. Only to be told the daycare was full and I would need to come back in an hour. Yeah right! I would get home sit down and never make it back up. But I reserved the daycare spot and drove home.
I was determined to go back. I didn’t even allow myself the consideration that I could stay home. Usually, I would convince myself that I could just workout at home after A had gone to bed (and wouldn’t).
One hour later, I was driving back and in the gym! I felt so proud of myself. And that is why I workout.
I’ve been down on myself for being so out of shape and failing to lose the rest of my baby weight. As I’ve mentioned, the more I think badly about myself the harder it is to work out (weird, I know).
But this morning, I brought a friend to the gym to keep me motivated. She’s a new and single mom too. I planned out a circuit for us and a few minutes into it she said, “who needs a trainer, I’ll just work out with you. I could almost puke!”. It made me realize that while I’m not at my pre-baby fitness level, I’m working out and a lot fitter than some people.
I came out of the gym on a total high. I’m sure some of it was the endorphins from exercising. But I also felt totally proud of myself. I’m bringing sexy back!
For me a sentence that starts with ‘I deserve…’, gets me in trouble.
Today I wasted the day with the thought that I deserved to relax after a busy weekend. You would think doing something that you think you deserve would make you feel good. So why did I progressively feel worse about myself? I finally made a last minute push and sent myself to the gym at 6pm. I came home feeling great! I thought I deserved to relax, but rather than watching dumb tv (which made me feel even worse because I had originally vowed to watch little to no tv) I could have gone for a walk or a workout or even read a book. Instead my relaxation choice made me feel bad and in the end added to my level of stress.
I often find that I feel I deserve to be thin. So out of spite I will eat poorly or not workout. How ridiculous of a thought is that?! Does someone who chooses not to workout or eats like crap deserve to be thin? Um, no! But then my inner voice kicks in and says that there are people out there who do that and they are thin, so I should be able to also!
In the end, I think I deserve to be proud of myself. To do that, I need to do the things that will make me proud. I just have to work at remembering which things I’ll be proud of.
Tonight I had the glorious pleasure of going out while my brother stayed home with A. She was sleeping and made for an easy babysitting job.
I haven’t had a night out for over 3 months. Now I didn’t go crazy or anything. I simply went to the gym. (Have to keep up with my daily challenge!) But I almost skipped there. I worked out with a grin on my face. It felt so good to be out and not responsible for A.
I need to find myself a sitter. I had forgotten how it feels to have time to myself. I’ve had A in daycare while I work, but that’s not quite having time to myself. It’s crazy how something so simple can feel so good. I came home and thanked my brother knowing that he didn’t understand what a gift he’d just given to me.
All this time I thought I’d been spending time on myself by soul searching and self evaluating. But spending time by myself is just as important.
I’m on cloud nine. And I know tomorrow I’ll be recharged as a mom and ready to tackle another day.