Why is it that it takes the deadline of going back to work soon to force me into action?! Two months before I return to work, I realize I need to finally lose the baby weight.
I’ve spent this last month kicking my butt into action. It was pretty humbling to start. I’ve always known I was overweight. But in the back of my mind, I would justify it with the fact that I am active and fit. So when I went for my first run with a girlfriend, I was very dismayed to discover that I couldn’t run for more than a few minutes at a time and when I was running I was very slow. It was the biggest wake up call. But thank goodness I had it.
During the month of May, I ran twice a week; I worked with a personal trainer twice a week; and I went to bootcamp twice a week. A lot of it was preparation for a race, but the underlying goal was to finally shed the weight and get fit.
Well I haven’t lost a damn pound! Its been super discouraging. There were a few days where I just wanted to cry. Mostly I thought, ‘it’s not fair’. I want to be one of those naturally skinny girls!
However, participating in the Spartan Sprint on the weekend (a 5km obstacle race) gave me some pride that losing a pound could never provide. The race was way beyond my comfort zone. I desperately wanted to back out. It was beyond hard. But wow do I feel amazing for finishing it. In fact, my inspiration to continue working towards fitness and health has grown. Today I started meal planning and looking at what else I can do to improve. I feel so good about the future now.
It’s funny, when I started this post, I thought it would be more about procrastination. But when I started writing, I realized how good I was feeling about myself! Forget the scale. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I’m going to focus on gaining health!
Ps. The picture is the start of the race, running uphill in the snow. Sadly I didn’t get one of myself covered in mud at the end because I was too focused on getting out of the wet clothes!
I’ve been down on myself for being so out of shape and failing to lose the rest of my baby weight. As I’ve mentioned, the more I think badly about myself the harder it is to work out (weird, I know).
But this morning, I brought a friend to the gym to keep me motivated. She’s a new and single mom too. I planned out a circuit for us and a few minutes into it she said, “who needs a trainer, I’ll just work out with you. I could almost puke!”. It made me realize that while I’m not at my pre-baby fitness level, I’m working out and a lot fitter than some people.
I came out of the gym on a total high. I’m sure some of it was the endorphins from exercising. But I also felt totally proud of myself. I’m bringing sexy back!
I did not want to exercise today. I needed a nap by 9am. It wasn’t sunny anymore. I had too much to do. But I’d made the challenge to exercise everyday this week.
I seriously considered not exercising today. Then I started to run through how I would explain that on my blog. Would I lie? Would I make an excuse? It came down to not wanting to have to do either. If I hadn’t vocalized my challenge, I would not have gone out.
I used to try and keep my exercising goals private. Especially from my Dad, who has the ability and will power to exercise every day. If you asked why, I would have told you it was because I didn’t want people harassing me on whether I’d done it or not. Or if they suggested I exercise that day to keep my goal, it would feel like it was that person that made me do it and not my own choice. But I realized today that I avoided telling people my goals so I didn’t have to be held accountable. It’s easy to make excuses with yourself, but they sound as fake as they actually are when you voice them to someone else.
So I dressed up A, loaded her in the stroller, and hauled it down my stairs outside. I went out for an hour long run/walk (and by that I mean mostly walk with a few minutes of running here and there). And I really did feel so much better once I was done. On to tomorrow.
Spent most of today indoors and lounging. Felt somewhat justified about it because we spent the entire day out yesterday and Annika is sick. Yet instead of enjoying it, I found myself feeling more and more guilty. I kept thinking I should be exercising or doing some kind of activity with Annika.
In the past, I would have felt guilty for not excising. My dad’s voice echoing in my head, “Let’s do something!” The guilt to exercise is even larger when I’m still carrying around an extra 20 pounds of baby fat. I do enjoy exercising. I love the feeling it gives me afterwards. I adore what it can do for my health and body. But I also enjoy relaxing. Spending a day in a book feels divine sometimes. Snuggling under a blanket on a cold day watching a movie can feel luxurious. So why can’t I just enjoy the moment if I’m choosing to spend a day in relaxation mode? Do we have to be in go mode everyday? My dad challenged me to exercise before I turn on the tv. It would probably alleviate the guilt. Try it out for a week and see how it goes?
Now with Annika, I have even more to feel guilty about. I didn’t take her to the zoo or aquarium or a play group or any fun kid stuff today. I know she’s only 6 months and will probably sleep through whatever I take her too. But you’re supposed to do stuff with your kids. And pretty soon I’ll be back at work and won’t be able to do anything with her. I want our time to be filled with adventures and purpose. I want meaning and value behind everything we do. But I also want to just sit on this couch and lounge.
I did finally force us outside (and it was definitely forced, it took about 20 minutes to talk myself into it). The air smelled and felt great. I felt proud of myself for getting out there. We were going to the park.
Once I get outside, I question myself why it took me that long. Why I sat through some stupid tv show just to avoid getting out. I definitely need to take on my dad’s challenge.
We got to the park. We tried the swing and the slide. Annika barely cracked a smile (probably because her face was frozen from the cold) and she won’t remember going. But I feel better about it.