A Career Mum

I’ve been back at work since July 10 and I still haven’t figured out how to do both well. I anticipated that I would find it hard to be a good mom while working, but I had no idea the emotions that would accompany my career side. It appears that you can’t ‘win’ on either side.

Before becoming a mom, I was pretty proud of my work abilities. I was good at what I did and loved doing it. Now each day is filled with guilt and self-doubt. I feel guilty leaving at 5pm (even though I’ve put in my eight hours). I feel guilty that I think about A during the day. I question myself on my abilities now: did I forget to do that because I’m not as good as I used to be; does my boss wish I wasn’t coming back and my mat leave replacement was staying? Everyday is plagued with these thoughts. Mother co-workers tell me to stop doubting myself and to just do what I can. But I’ve never just stopped at what I can manage. I’ve always put in the extra time and effort. I was okay with not identifying myself through my career during my maternity leave because I wasn’t working and I had a new medium to identify myself through: I was a mom. Now I seem to be falling short of both.

During my maternity leave, I went to playgroups; I played games with A; I went on outings; I shopped at farmer’s markets and cooked meals. I wasn’t perfect but I felt like I was doing well. I also had time to do things for me. Now I rush to pack a lunch for A in the morning, wondering if daycare questions my food choices. For dinner, I throw something together that isn’t hitting anyone’s top meal choices. And when I do go to the gym I feel guilty that I’m again dropping A off only two hours after I picked her up from daycare. The house is a mess and slowly I’m purchasing my own lunch from a drive-thru more and more.

I’ve only been working for 7 weeks but I feel like I need a week off to catch up and re-group. How do people do this? My hormones are all over the place and I could sleep for days. Clearly as a single mom, choosing not to work is not an option.

I’m hoping slowly I’ll acquire more tips and learn how to manage. My first win was to hire a house cleaner. The first day I came home after she’d cleaned I wanted to cry. My mood jumped and my shoulders felt lighter. My second smart move was to make little containers of meals that A likes for lunch to allow for quick packing in the morning. Next on my list is to pre-prepare the ingredients for meals so I just have to add them together (cut up veggies, cook meat, etc).

Anymore tips out there? I’ll take any. Leave them below.

I am Spartan

Why is it that it takes the deadline of going back to work soon to force me into action?! Two months before I return to work, I realize I need to finally lose the baby weight.

I’ve spent this last month kicking my butt into action. It was pretty humbling to start. I’ve always known I was overweight. But in the back of my mind, I would justify it with the fact that I am active and fit. So when I went for my first run with a girlfriend, I was very dismayed to discover that I couldn’t run for more than a few minutes at a time and when I was running I was very slow. It was the biggest wake up call. But thank goodness I had it.

During the month of May, I ran twice a week; I worked with a personal trainer twice a week; and I went to bootcamp twice a week. A lot of it was preparation for a race, but the underlying goal was to finally shed the weight and get fit.

Well I haven’t lost a damn pound! Its been super discouraging. There were a few days where I just wanted to cry. Mostly I thought, ‘it’s not fair’. I want to be one of those naturally skinny girls!

However, participating in the Spartan Sprint on the weekend (a 5km obstacle race) gave me some pride that losing a pound could never provide. The race was way beyond my comfort zone. I desperately wanted to back out. It was beyond hard. But wow do I feel amazing for finishing it. In fact, my inspiration to continue working towards fitness and health has grown. Today I started meal planning and looking at what else I can do to improve. I feel so good about the future now.

It’s funny, when I started this post, I thought it would be more about procrastination. But when I started writing, I realized how good I was feeling about myself! Forget the scale. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I’m going to focus on gaining health!

Ps. The picture is the start of the race, running uphill in the snow. Sadly I didn’t get one of myself covered in mud at the end because I was too focused on getting out of the wet clothes!

The truth about being truthful

I find the statement, ‘just be yourself’, an odd one. Is anyone really totally honest and completely themselves with others? Or am I the only one that keeps an awful lot to myself?

I’ve avoided posting for a while because I was starting to feel like some of my posts were contrived or fake. (Oh and I got a taste of what it will be like when I go back to work and been insanely busy.)

Honesty is hard. I assume so much judgement will accompany honesty. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m just overly self-conscious. But I have tough days, tough emotions, dumb self-questioning thoughts, and negativity along with my other days of positivity, joy, energy, and fun. Other people must experience this too right? Why then do I feel the need to hold up this facade that I’m totally okay all the time?

I’ve recently seen people’s reactions to a friend’s honesty. Everyone was shocked at the level of truth and a lot felt it shouldn’t have been revealed. But to be able to shake off the mask and just be honest; to lose the wonder of what others would think and to just be you. That must feel great.

So maybe I’m only half there. I have a lot of areas to work on to be happy and healthy. And I can honestly admit that. I think I’m still going to stick with only sharing the struggles to those who are closest to me rather than the entire internet. What I do enjoy sharing is what I’m doing to continue my journey on the path to being happy and healthy.

This week is a take charge week. I’m dropping the excuses and facing the plan to get back in shape head on.
Wish me luck.

Failed Dieter

I recently tried to complete a three day smoothie detox featured on Dr. Oz. I was positive it was the ticket to get me on track and make it easy to fall into the 17 Day Diet (a book a friend had given me). I was wrong.

I hate doing things the hard way. I’ve always searched for that quick fix that will give me instant results. You think I would learn that the quick fixes have never proven successful (for me anyways) and its only when I’ve put in hard work that I’ve seen results.

Even worse still, I set myself up for a major mood dive. I failed at my diet so what does it make me automatically want to do? Eat everything in sight. Thankfully, since I’m staying with my parents, I didn’t fall into that trap today (minus the ice cream cone). But the feeling of failure is still there.

I could have made it. It was three days of smoothies. Even though they didn’t taste that great, it wasn’t awful. But poor planning and the look of my parents’ dinner made me want to cave. I started looking for excuses to get out. A reason to justify breaking the diet. As soon as I had one, I jumped at the chance.

But it bums me out that I can’t stick with a plan. It adds to my feeling of inability to do anything. Why try losing the weight if I can’t.

I need to try this diet again. Not because I think it will do wonders. But because I know I can do it. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to prove my negative voice wrong!

A View into Working and Motherhood

Last week, I got a glimpse into what it will be like when I go back to work. I taught a course Monday through Friday and then participated in a course on Saturday. Six whole days of being away from A. It was hard. My best friend was amazing and babysat her all week. Yet instead of feeling grateful, I felt jealous!! I was envious of the time she got to spend with A while I was at work. So ridiculous.

I also found myself bending on rules that I’d previously set. I started bringing A into bed with me at night. I pushed back her bedtime. I didn’t want to let her go.

But I’ll tell you what I did let go, everything else. My house was a disaster. I didn’t make it to the gym once. I started buying my lunches once the weekend leftovers ran out. I didn’t blog. I simply worked, spent what little time I could with A, and went to bed.

I tell you, it makes me super nervous for when I go back full time in three short months. I am definitely going to have to plan more. I’ll need my cleaning schedule, gym commitments, meal planning, and more. I’m worried my life will feel like a job.

I found myself on the Sunday just relaxing and watching TV while cuddling with A. I deserved the rest, right? But then the guilt comes in. Would doing the things I was avoiding really be so bad if I enjoyed doing them. I need to learn to find the enjoyment in the daily things in life instead of taking a break from them on the couch and watching my life pass me by.

Hug your loved ones tight

After hearing of the death of a work friend today, nothing I had intended on writing seems worthy.

I may find things to complain about easily or life struggles and even the joy in life. But tonight I feel somewhat lost and empty of word. All I want to do is hug my family and let them know I love them.

I can’t even imagine the pain the family must be feeling. I’m lucky to have experienced very little death in my family.

Hug your family. Hug your friends. And count your blessings rather than what you lack.

Super Supper Sunday

After a weekend of staying at a friends with all sorts of unhealthy foods, I came home tonight and cooked a nice meal from ‘Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair.
It tasted awesome and there was plenty for my lunch tomorrow!

I need to remember how good it feels to eat good for you food. Most of the food I ate this weekend was my trigger food. I’d have one bite and instantly need 20 to satisfy some inner hunger. It wasn’t until I ate as much of it as I could that I found I could think clearly again.

Time to just stay away from those trigger foods for a while.

Good thing I have leftovers: Quinoa Chili.

I deserve so much more

For me a sentence that starts with ‘I deserve…’, gets me in trouble.

Today I wasted the day with the thought that I deserved to relax after a busy weekend. You would think doing something that you think you deserve would make you feel good. So why did I progressively feel worse about myself? I finally made a last minute push and sent myself to the gym at 6pm. I came home feeling great! I thought I deserved to relax, but rather than watching dumb tv (which made me feel even worse because I had originally vowed to watch little to no tv) I could have gone for a walk or a workout or even read a book. Instead my relaxation choice made me feel bad and in the end added to my level of stress.

I often find that I feel I deserve to be thin. So out of spite I will eat poorly or not workout. How ridiculous of a thought is that?! Does someone who chooses not to workout or eats like crap deserve to be thin? Um, no! But then my inner voice kicks in and says that there are people out there who do that and they are thin, so I should be able to also!

In the end, I think I deserve to be proud of myself. To do that, I need to do the things that will make me proud. I just have to work at remembering which things I’ll be proud of.

When a cheat day turns into an all out disaster

So Friday turned into a crazy day that didn’t allow for any exercise (or at least that’s what I convinced myself). To top it off, I stayed at a friends that thought leaving me treats would be nice. The small cheat escalated into a complete sabatoge.

As soon as I put one chocolate into my mouth I started searching for the next item. I stopped after a couple treats and assured myself that its fine to have a treat day and miss a day of exercise. Everything in moderation right?

However, while in a course the next day I was tempted with an entire table full of pastries, cookies, and muffin. A one point in my life, food and control over it consumed me. So like an alcoholic in a bar, I sat there listening to the speaker while my mind wandered to the food and when I might be able to sample some and what it must taste like. I look around and no one else seems to be acknowledging the food. Does no one else have to force themselves to stay seated every minute rather than going to pick out a treat?

When I finally cave, the guilt starts to pile on. In most cases you would think this would ensure you didn’t eat another bite. Unfortunately for me it merely makes me want to eat more. To eat them all.

The drug-like release as I eat a bite is euphoric, but the pain of guilt and negativity afterwards knocks you over. So you continue to eat.

The temptation continued today during the second day of the course. And since I’d already failed at my goal of exercising everyday and eaten more than I should have, there was no reason not to cheat further. The pile up of failures and disappointment left me in a low mood.

I want to live without thinking I can’t have certain foods but clearly I can’t have just one. Time for an intervention! Tomorrow is Monday and I was planning on implementing a new goal. But mostly I want to focus on accomplishing the last one I set (exercise every day for a week). I will also add that I will drink 8 glasses of water per day.

Not exactly the most inspiring or uplifting post. But everyone has their bad days, I just need to remember to not let them spiral out of control.

A Night Out

Tonight I had the glorious pleasure of going out while my brother stayed home with A. She was sleeping and made for an easy babysitting job.

I haven’t had a night out for over 3 months. Now I didn’t go crazy or anything. I simply went to the gym. (Have to keep up with my daily challenge!) But I almost skipped there. I worked out with a grin on my face. It felt so good to be out and not responsible for A.

I need to find myself a sitter. I had forgotten how it feels to have time to myself. I’ve had A in daycare while I work, but that’s not quite having time to myself. It’s crazy how something so simple can feel so good. I came home and thanked my brother knowing that he didn’t understand what a gift he’d just given to me.

All this time I thought I’d been spending time on myself by soul searching and self evaluating. But spending time by myself is just as important.

I’m on cloud nine. And I know tomorrow I’ll be recharged as a mom and ready to tackle another day.